How to overcome the compare & compete rabbit hole

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 12.47.51 AMI’ve been wondering…at what age does it not become okay to say, “Hey guys, look at me!” {while grinning huge and being so proud of what you are wearing, doing, accomplished, being, etc.}

Over the holidays, I spent quite a bit of time with our godson and even got him this Iron Man Mask {insert him saying “I am Iron Man” nonstop} for Christmas.

Just like most little kids, he would proudly march/run into a room and say “Hey guys, look at me!” or say, “watch me” and everyone would clap, say “that’s so cool,” or give him a huge smile.

I freaking loved watching him do this. So much joy and lack of worry over what other people would think. Owning his awesomeness.

I’m curious…

  • How many ladies in your circle celebrate YOU right now?
  • What keeps you from sharing all your successes face-t0-face?
  • How many women can you approach and totally brag about your day, triumphs, or simply how awesome you are at your core?
  • How often do you compare and compete? Why?

We downplay our accomplishments, financial success, travels, even how great our sex life is – because we don’t want to shine too bright and make other people feel bad.

Then, conversely, when we are having low moments, we compare ourselves to other people – and their best pieces of their life instead of the whole picture {cough, facebook}…leaving us with no one to reach out to to dispel and squash this comparing and competing rabbit hole because we didn’t have honest conversations to start with.

Instead of telling ourselves to stop comparing, try a different approach and simply let yourself shine like a 4 year old. OWN IT.  That light doesn’t overshadow others, it simply lets them shine theirs a little brighter too. Author Marianne Williamson says this in A Return to Love

 “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

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I got tired of the compare and compete approach {I like joy to permeate, people} so I decided I’d start with my guinea pig husband and tell him how awesome I was. Not to convince him. Not to compete with him. Not to compare with him. Not to say I’m more awesome than someone else, but simply to acknowledge that I’m awesome because I’m me and I don’t have to prove, do or accomplish anything to be awesome.

At first, he lovingly looked at me and thought I was a little off my rocker. Then he got a little, “but what about me, aren’t I awesome?” NOW, he tells me how awesome he is and I join in on the celebration. In fact, our entire conversations have become more positive and joyfull.

What if you could simply share with your best girlfriends your celebrations and then in turn it opens the door to honestly chat about struggles, lows, and worries because there is honesty happening at both ends?

If we start with being honest about our celebrations FIRST, it makes it easier to be vulnerable, honest about worries, and reach out for support. Ditch the compare and compete.

  • Celebrate the women (and men) in your life. One of the easiest ways to rid yourself of comparing and competing with a certain individual is to give them a compliment. Sounds backwards, but it’s like a magic compare/compete remover. Find something beautiful or admirable about that person and praise them up, because the truth is you are comparing and competing with them because of something you see in them that you want (and is innately part of you).
  • Start a conversation. (It lets the shame gremlins free.) Have open conversations about this with the women in your life. Ask yourself and others what it would look like if you let go of the comparing and competition in your relationships, with the media, with your current self and your past self (skinnier, smarter, funnier, whatever your are looking at with rose colored glasses-self). Straight up dialogue goodness.
  • Be purposeful about your relationships and take responsibility for what you desire. Create a circle of women who are authentic, vulnerable AND can have a good time. Able to talk about God and Gwyn (Paltrow that is). About a year ago, some of my best girlfriends moved away from Denver. I felt like I was starting all over again and knew I was craving (and needing) that female connection. So, instead of hoping I’d meet some ladies, I took it into my own hands. I had 2 women in my life that I thought were great, but were more acquaintances. I knew they were looking for deeper female connections (most of us are). So I said, “would you like to be a part of creating a club – like the women in Sex In the City?” They signed right up, committed to the friendship, and now, they are some of my best girlfriends in Denver and we have weekly dinner/brunch club.

PLUS, as a way to shift this compare/compete model even more in my life, I’ve asked 25 women to come together to support, celebrate and promote each other in sharing their journey to truly feeding their soul, freeing their body, and loving their lives – all part of a Skinny Dip Society Blog Tour.

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Women coming alive and baring their soul bravely. It’s going to truly be amazing to hear from all of these women. I’ll be sharing their stories, journeys, and tips here, in following weeks newsletters (if you haven’t signed up yet, come on! Whatchu waitin’ for?), and on facebook (join us!).

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SO humbled, honored, and grateful for these incredible women (and you).

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